No Winners, Only Losers
The Wife: (singing) "I'm in the ho-tel after-noon"
The Wife: "I'm singing"
Me: "What are you singing?"
The Wife: "Hungry Like the Wolf"
Me: "Those aren't the words"
The Wife: "Yes they are"
Me: "'I'm in the hotel afternoon'? What does that even mean?"
The Wife: "It means he'll be at his hotel later in the afternoon."
Me: "That's not the line! It's 'I'm on the hunt, I'm after you'"
The Wife: "It is?"
The Wife: "Oh. Yeah I guess that makes more sense"
The Wife: (resumes singing) "Moth is a line, juice is like wine"
Me: "Mouth is alive with juices like wine!"
The Wife: "Whatever"
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well. “What’s the matter?” he asks. “I have a case of anal glaucoma,” she says in a weak voice. “What the hell is anal glaucoma?” “I can’t see my ass coming into work today.” (This was new to me, via email from my sister.)
"You Know What I Think" is Not a Question You Ever...
Her: …You know what I think?
Me: Going back to school was a huge mistake and I never should have done it?
Me: Going back to school while working full time was an amazingly stupid idea?
Me: Going back to school while working full-time with a 6 year old in the house was the dumbest thing I've ever done, and I've done a lot of them?
Her: I am going to punch you SO HARD…
No Good Answer
I hereby begin the canonical list of questions for which there are no good answers: Which of these kids is boning my teenage daughter? What kind of cancer do I have? What is that sticky stuff that I just stepped in with my bare feet?
She Told Me
A guest “Fun Size Byte” via email from @yardboy I come home one day and my wife tells me our 7 year old son has some news, but is afraid to tell me because he’s afraid I’ll make fun of him. This fear is based on a long history of me doing exactly that when it comes to anything involving girls. My theory is that if I mess with him enough about it, he’ll develop a...