May 2009
What's worse…
I wrote:
It’s my day off, so I didn’t set my clock alarm last night, but forgot about my iPhone backup alarm. This is why I can’t have nice sleeps.
What’s worse is that I hit the snooze 4x before realizing, “sonofabitch, I don’t even have to be up at all!”
1 tag
It's funny because...
Dear Cinemax: I am writing today about the title of your show
“The Best Sex Ever: 5”; specifically, regarding the meaning of the word “best”
See, because if there were four before this one, this one can’t be “best”.
Are you unaware of the meaning of the word “best”, sir?
Unless you’re trying to pull off some Staircase...
Ouch.
bliccy:
I just experienced my first painful unfollowing. That one hurt. STUPID INTERNET. I THOUGHT I WASN’T SUPPOSED TO HAVE FEELINGS HERE. JUST FUNNIES.
It’s too early to drink so maybe I’ll just put on some I Give Up Clothes, listen to Ryan Adams, and wonder what went wrong? How did you recover from your first Twitter dumping?
The only time I’ve noticed an unfollow is when I went to...
Just remembered from the Indy tweetup
(I can’t remember who said this. If someone who was there wants to remind me, I’ll happily update it, but y’all were drinking faster than I was, so I doubt it.)
Someone: “So, Steve, are you from Indianapolis?”
Steve: “No, actually I’m just here on business. I’m from Canada.”
Someone: “Really?!?! Do you know Sween?”
Steve:...
Dear Son: I keep things from you because I need...
Me (entering the living room, where The Wife and The Boy are watching TV): “Oh crap! I went upstairs like an hour ago to get something to wipe that table down.”
Her: (just looking at me)
Me: “I went upstairs into the kitchen, and looked under the sink and —”
Her: (raising eyebrow)
Me: “Oh, right”
Her: (smirking)
The Boy: “What?”
Both:...
As usual, you have all missed the larger issue
Before children, the word “blowout” might refer to a tire (“I had a tire blowout on the turnpike!”) or a really large sale (“REALLY! GINORMOUS! BLOWOUT SALE! THIS WEEKEND ONLY”) or, if you are really nerdy, a 1982 Brian De Palma movie which is properly spelled “Blow Out”.
After children, specifically babies, the word “blowout” will...
Friends of Fuck
Email exchange with An Internet Friend (who is not on The Tumblr):
Me:
Maybe I just think of you whenever I hear the word “fuck” but I thought this would
amuse you:
http://www.thefuckingweather.com/
Internet Friend:
I love you
I’ve been laughing about this for at least 15 minutes.
Phoenix man killed self in gun-safety demo →
Samuel Benally Jr. was at an apartment on West Tacoma Street when he said guns
should be kept unloaded because people could point them at their heads, said Sierra
Vista police Sgt. Brett Mitchell.
Benally then demonstrated by putting his own 9mm Ruger, which he believed to be
unloaded, to his head and firing it, Mitchell said.
I think if you laugh at this, you’re probably...
1 tag
Turning 30
We had our son baptized on my wife’s 30th birthday, with a bunch of family around, to distract her from the day. I was actually interviewing for a new job on my 30th birthday, trying to escape a bad situation.
Driving back from Pittsburgh the other night, I realized that I have been happier the past 3-4 years than any other time in my life. Not that everything is perfect (what every is?)...
Home Visit
A preacher went to visit the home of an elderly woman is his congregation.
She couldn’t get out anymore, her family had all moved away years before, and he was really the only company that she had.
So he would go and listen to her stories and accept whatever small hospitalities she offered him.
She offered him a glass of water, which he accepted. He hadn’t eaten lunch and noticed...
If I Was Being Rude to You, You'd Know
(Home phone rings. A number I don’t recognize appears on the caller-ID, but that’s not all that unusual. I answer.)
Me: “Hello?”
Her: “Who is this?”
Me: “Who are you calling?”
Her: “This number was on my caller ID, I’m just calling you back.”
Me: “Did they leave a message?”
Her: “No, it was just on my...
“Oh, that’s right, your brother already borrowed the car.”
– That’s punchline to a joke I can’t quite bring myself to post. There are a few topics that I don’t like to make jokes about (which probably comes as a surprise to most of you who are trying to figure out what they are), and this joke includes is one of them. (On second thought,...
I have another friend…
She has a wooden leg. We call her Peg.
I had another friend who had two wooden legs, but one of them was shorter than the other. We called her Ilene.
