Fun Size Bytes (from @Tj)Emails I Cannot Send
Dear Arrogant Fuckwad:
In response to your numerous emails inquiring why you are still not getting the electronic newsletter for ABC Industries, despite your insistence that you have signed up several times, I set aside some time last weekend to investigate what might have happened.
I did this instead of suggesting that you take your smug, self-righteous indignation and shove it up your cornhole. I have forwarded copies of the emails that you have sent to the secretary, berating her even though she does not have access to the database, and therefore could not help you no matter how many times you YELL AT HER USING CAPS LOCK.
I took your email address and I copied it into the form on the website which asks for you to enter your email address into it if you want to be added to our email newsletter.
It worked on the first try, without error.
I verified this on the back end. Sure enough, your email address has been added to the database.
It turns out that the problem was not with the website, not with the staff, not with anything on this side of the equation. The problem is that you are a giant asshole who obviously did something wrong. That wouldn’t be a big deal, as we all make mistakes, but instead of taking a few seconds to try it again more carefully, you assumed that the problem had to be someone else, and started yelling at anyone whose email address you could find associated with the company.
In short, the problem is you. I hope you understand that I don’t say this because of what I assume to be your advanced age, because I know many older people who are completely capable of using the Internet, the website, and our sign up form. I say this because you seem to be an arrogant assdouche who has probably spent the majority of his years bullying people into doing things that you were too stupid to do for yourself and have now convinced yourself that you are smarter than everyone around you because they are always the ones “fixing” things that you point out.
Might I suggest that the real issue is that people find it easier to do these things for you than to try to explain to you what it is you are doing wrong, because you come across as someone with absolutely no desire to listen to anyone or anything other than your own blather.
I don’t expect that you will actually man-up and apologize for your asshole behavior, but if you would care to exceed my expectations, please do. Don’t expect anyone to be too overwhelmed, however, given all the trouble that you’ve caused over what was, in the end, your mistake. A note of apology to the secretary would be most appropriate since she took the the brunt of it.
As for me, well, I can say this because I don’t actually work for ABC Industries, I’m just someone they hired to help them with their website, and I’ve already been paid in full. I took a look at this issue because they asked and I wanted to make sure that there wasn’t some problem we had missed. It didn’t seem likely since we have had 500+ people sign up since the site went live, but I wanted to double check.
I hope you enjoy the newsletter.
[signed]
Cc: secretary, president, vice president
