Posted: Friday, July 10th, 2009 at 11:07 am. Permalink
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Notes: 71.

  1. uhohcoolkid reblogged this from killthekids and added:
    It’s all true!!
  2. indian reblogged this from interstate and added:
    oh my god i can’t stop laughing at the “what happens next” list
  3. saadiq reblogged this from tj
  4. interstate reblogged this from fauxbias
  5. cleversimon reblogged this from tj and added:
    favourite people...internet. This should give...good idea of...
  6. urkillingme reblogged this from smartasshat and added:
    so much wisdom here.
  7. smartasshat reblogged this from tj and added:
    Ahhh… I thought...meant that women park close...public...
  8. superawesomefantastic reblogged this from doublejack
  9. ninjacentric reblogged this from tj and added:
    6, asked me what i...so i read him some of these. he pondered for awhile
  10. doublejack reblogged this from tj
  11. fauxbias reblogged this from killthekids and added:
    Wherein I take my personal observations and consider them normative… Yesterday, I wrote: I just realized that the...
  12. rugrattsss reblogged this from tj
  13. killthekids reblogged this from tj and added:
    Reading this made my day a lot better.
  14. werefreakingoutman reblogged this from tj and added:
    I think I might have switched genders. When I had a large hunking piece of masculine machinery (my truck) I would park...
  15. inmi reblogged this from tj and added:
    OH. MY. HELL. Ithought about snipping this down to reblog it, but… where to cut it short? Especially when the last part...
  16. coyotesqrl reblogged this from tj and added:
    Really, it’s great. Go read it...haven’t already....nickel...
  17. tj posted this

Men, Women, and Parking Spaces

Subtitle: Wherein I take my personal observations and consider them normative…

Yesterday, I wrote:

I just realized that the difference between the way men & women choose a parking place for a car has everything to do with public bathrooms.

I have long noticed a difference between myself and my wife when choosing a parking spot in a not-crowded parking lot.

I will leave at least one vacant spot between myself and the next car.

She will park right next to another car even if she doesn’t have to.

Yesterday I realized that our friend (also female) had done the same thing.

Maybe it was because the parking lot just had the lines re-painted, but suddenly I saw it just like each spot was a urinal.

Every man over the age of reason understands that when choosing a urinal, you choose the one as far away from any other guy as possible. There was even an email which circulated a few years ago which had ASCII drawings showing how to decide.

But the rules boil down to this:

Unless you are at a sporting event, concert, or other extremely-high bathroom-volume experience, you do not choose to stand next to another guy at the urinal. Ever.

I mentioned this to The Wife and at first she laughed—but then she added: “Well, see, we always choose a bathroom stall next to someone in case there isn’t any toilet paper.”

I rest my case.

Really, what more evidence do you need?

Coda: when not using the urinal, men might choose a bathroom stall next to another guy. Most guys will try to get some distance between them and the next guy, but really, our highest priorities for the sit-down are a) clean seat and b) no previous unflushed content. Also, if we look down and there is no toilet paper, there is exactly a 0.000000% chance that we would ask the guy in the next stall for toilet paper. Seriously, I would sooner use my underwear as toilet paper than stick my hand under another guy’s stall asking for toilet paper, because these are your options for what happens next:

1) He pees on your hand

2) He poops on your hand

3) He ignores you

4) He’s an elected Republican official and puts his dick in your hand because he thinks you gave “the signal”

5) He comes out of his stall, kicks in the door to your stall, and beats the crap out of you.

6) He actually gives you toilet paper.

Now I know that seems like a one-in-six chance, but really, that last option is like 2% because “getting your hand peed on” has about a 75% probability.