Fun Size Bytes

Me: “Ow. When did that happen?”

Brain: “Ooh, that’s definitely going to get infected.”

Me: “Really? Did you go to med school while I was asleep? It’s a skinned knuckle, I hardly think it’s life-threatening.”

Brain: “I don’t know, it could happen.”

Me: “You always say that, but it never does.”

Brain: “Always and never are absolutes, are you sure you want to use them?”

Me: “Yes. You know what I mean. And then when something bad does happen, you never give me any warning, and I’m caught completely off-guard.”

Brain: “See! That just proves what I’m saying! You should worry more, because sometimes you miss things.”

Me: “Yeah I’m not going to do that because it’s stupid.”

Brain: “You shouldn’t say ‘stupid’…”

Me: “How did it take me this long to realize what an asshole you are?”

Brain: “Dude, that hurts my feelings. We’ve been friends forever.”

Me: “Have we? Give me an example of when you’ve been good to me.”

Brain: “Well, you haven’t shit yourself since you were a baby. Who do you think keeps that from happening? Hrm?”

Me: “That’s your best example? Sphincter control?”

Brain: “You saying you want me to stop?”

Me: “Don’t threaten me. You keep that up and I’ll hit YouTube for speeches given by George W. Bush.”

Brain: “YOU WOULDN’T.”

Me: “Try me. I’ll have you shrunken down to the size of an almond by Wednesday.”

Brain: “You’ve changed, man.”

Me: “Thanks for noticing.”

Brain: “Whatever. I still think it could get infected.”

Me: “Fine, then I’ll clean it out with hydrogen peroxide.”

Brain: “Nooooo! It’ll hurt.”

Me: “What are you, 5? It won’t hurt. I’ll wash it out first and then just clean it out to make sure.”

Brain: “It gonna hurt.”

Me: “Stop being such a baby. You know what would hurt? If it did get infected.”

Brain: “I thought you didn’t believe me about that.”

Me: “I DON’T. You’re the one who keeps bringing it up!”

Brain: “No I’m not, you did.”

Me: “I’m getting the bottle.”

Brain: “You won’t find it. I think we’re out.”

Me: “No we’re not. I just saw it the other day when I was cleaning up.”

Brain: “I think it’s under the sink.”

Me: “It isn’t. It’s in the closet just where it belongs.”

Brain: “Doooooon’t!!!!!!”

Me: “Oh stop. You’re pathetic. Watch.” (pours over hand)

Brain: “Oooh! Foamy!”

Me: “See, it didn’t hurt, and that foam was kind of cool.”

Brain: “Good thing I suggested it by telling you it would get infected.”

Me: “What? No. You didn’t. I’m not even going to dignify that with a response.”

Brain: “Because you know I’m right.”

Me: “No, because brains are fucking stupid.”