Fun Size Bytes (from @Tj)

Smells Like Teen (Holy) Spirit

Couple Sells Candles That Smell Like Jesus

I really thought this was was a joke. But you can’t make this stuff up… Read on for my in-depth analysis…

Product Flying Off Shelves

Not to mention the blood coming from the walls…

POSTED: 4:17 pm EST
UPDATED: 4:22 pm EST

aka we spent 7 minutes wondering if lightning was going to strike us for writing this up

A South Dakota couple makes and markets candles they say smell like Jesus.

Is this before or after the resurrection? Cuz, you know… 3 days in the crypt…

You can find candles with just about every fragrance imaginable, from blueberry to ocean mist to hot apple pie.

…and soon, “Burning Hot Blasphemer”!

Now there’s a candle that lets you experience the scent of Jesus, and they’ve been selling out by the case.

Let’s focus on the words “selling out”…

“We see it as a ministry, ” says Bob Tosterud, who together with his wife came up with the idea for the candle.

We’ll skip the fact that I read his name as “Toasterturd” the first time I read this, and fall back on an old Letterman quip: “It took TWO PEOPLE to come up with this idea?!?!?”

Light up the candle called “His Essence” and its makers say you’ll experience the fragrance of Christ.

“Say, Bob, what’s that smell? Is it Apple Pie? Cookies? It’s vaguely familiar, but I can’t quite put my finger on it”

“Sure you can! In fact you can put your finger in its side too! It’s the smell of our Lord and Savior!”

“Oh, that’s it…. Betty guessed ‘vanilla’ but I said ‘No, I think it’s Jesus’”

Bob Tosterud and wife Karen say the formula is all spelled out in Psalm 45. “It’s a Messianic Psalm referring to when Christ returns and his garments will have the scent of myrrh, aloe and cassia,” says Karen Tosterud.

This is actually their second attempt, the first one was based on Numbers 19:5, but they found that the smell of burning heifer skin and flesh and dung didn’t sell.

Wondering what that must smell like, Karen Tosterud ordered those oils, a combination that produces sort of a flowery, cinnamon aroma. Then she called on a friend who just happened to be a candle-maker.

And how did that go? “Hello my friend who just happens to be a candle-maker, how are you?…. uh-huh… really?…. Oh…. that’s interesting…. Hey, did I tell you that I discovered The Jesus Smell? Oh wait, you’re a candle maker, what a coincidence… Surely the spirit of the Lord is in this place…. So how much do you think we can sell them for and when can you have them ready?”

“And in October, we got our first batch of 768 candles. We had no idea how it would go,” Karen Tosterud says. But once word got out they went through 10,000 candles. “It’s the only one on the market and everyone tells us it’s very unique and nothing like it,” says Karen Tosterud.

Wow! It’s the “only one” and “very unique” and there’s nothing like it? It must be, like, super-unique. (Reminder: “unique” isn’t a matter of degree, it’s binary, either/or…. like being pregnant… you either are or you aren’t. There is no “very unique”)

“We wanted people to be able to experience Christ in new ways and to be able to read a bible and have that scent and that candle as a reminder that he is with us all the time.”

And we’re giving all the money to charity. Oh, wait, no, we’re keeping it. But that other stuff is nice too.

“You can’t see him and you can’t touch him,” says Bob Tosterud. “This is a situation where you may be able to sense him by smelling. And it provides a really new dimension to one’s experience with Jesus.”

Whatd’ya mean you can see Him or touch Him? Tell that to the Catholics. Or artists/sculptors. OH! You mean those other ways aren’t as real as yours. I see.

The candles never stay on the shelves for long.

…mostly because the ground keeps opening up and swallowing them down into the pits of Gehenna, but…

The Tosteruds say each one that goes out is like a ministry in itself.

And the Lord said, “I send thee into all the world, to spread my scent.”

The candles sell for about $18. They are sold in about 150 stores around the country. Or you can order them online at . You can also call this phone number: 877-psalm-45.

Operators are standing by! Call now before they’re raptured, or struck dead by lightning. Could go either way.

Copyright 2005 by NBC10.com. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

I invoke my fair use rights for purposes of entertainment, specifically, mockery.

Oh, yeah, 2005. This was previously published on my real website which none of you read.

The original news story page is gone, but you can read it via archive.org.

In case you were wondering, four years later and yes, HisEssence.com is still up and running.

Praise Jeebus.

If anyone wants to send me some of this for Christmas, I’ll happily provide a full report. There might even be video. Of me smelling it. And talking about it.

(Apropos nothing… according to http://www.tumblr.com/activity this is my 2,000th Tumblr…)