Lucky died January 8th, 2012.
Kaylee died January 8th, 2013.
Today, January 8th, 2014, after 2 days of no school (and therefore no work for me), we finally had to leave the house today on the day when I did not want to leave the house the most.
Before the weather or the past two days meant missing two days of work I had thought that maybe I would stay home today, but now I knew I couldn’t. And even if I had… then what? Spend all day fixated on where they were every moment? To no end.
Even worse, we had to stop and refill our groceries supplies because even The Boy was commenting on how empty the fridge was.
So we did, and surprisingly it was not so bad.
We came home and were greeted by Noah and Shasta.
(Spoiler alert in case you missed the text-image above: she’s home, she’s safe, she’s fine.)
Now, she’s done this before, even fairly recently. The other two were in the house when we came home but she was outside. Noah and Shasta are fairly inseparable, but Sophie is her own girl. She neither requires not desires their company when she is out doing whatever it is she does out there. “She tolerates them, but doesn’t care” is probably the best way to put it.
I knew all of that.
I was still panic-stricken.
I busied myself putting away the groceries and tried not to let on to The Boy that I was worried. I suppose a more… something… person might have prayed for her safe return.
I did not.
I may have thought quietly to myself: “I don’t care how cold it is, I will burn the entire fucking planet down…” and I’m fairly sure that I wouldn’t want to find out if I was serious or not, but no matter, because about that time I heard her bound up the stairs and through the doggie door, and watched her prance around doing her “You’re home! You’re home! You’re home! You’re home! You’re home!” dance while I was nearly shouting nearly crying and still pretending I hadn’t been petrified.
The Boy really wanted to go to Tae Kwon Do tonight, although he did not need to (they are preparing for “Promotion Test” on Saturday and he won’t be testing for almost another two years) because he wanted to be there in case he was needed for a demonstration or sparring or whatever. Part of me wanted to talk him out of it, but he’s living into his leadership role as a 1st Dan black-belt, and I didn’t want to take that just because I was being irrational.
After two hours we returned and everyone was just fine. He put down their dinner and refilled their water bowls. I listened to them eat, go out, and come back in again. With the weather being what it is, they haven’t stayed out for long.
But as soon as he went to bed I closed the doggie door to keep them in for the rest of the night. It’s the only hope I have for sleep tonight.
Truth be told, I’m still not over Lucky’s death. Kaylee’s was no less awful, maybe even, in some ways, worse, but somehow the fact that I was still numbed from Lucky’s must have softened hers. I almost said deadened but I didn’t want anyone to mistake an unfortunate choice of word as an attempt to make some sort of terribly unfunny joke.
Truth be told I’m still… What? Sad? I guess, maybe, but not quite. Angry? Maybe, I guess, but not quite. I still wish I knew why although, rationally, I know that knowing why really wouldn’t change a thing. Mostly I think maybe I just want to shout “THIS WAS REALLY SHITTY AND UNFAIR!” even though I know it won’t change anything and that there’s lots more that’s more shitty and more unfair in the world. Truthfully, I don’t really know what I want. I don’t know what would make it better, or even less worse.
So today I did this, and tomorrow I’ll do something else, and maybe someday I’ll know what I want or what would make it better, or maybe someday I’ll realize that it is better. Today it isn’t.