Fun Size Bytes
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And then you find the screenshots from that time when your wife — who was studying to be a Veterinary Technician — forgot the meaning of the word retriever in Golden Retriever.
My favorite part of this is the elapsed time it took her to realize what she had said.
(Yes, I fat-fingered “I’d” instead of “if” but I don’t think that was the cause of her confusion)
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“Your son is so you in the shoe shopping genes.” —The Wife, via iMessage
In case it was in any way unclear, this is not a compliment.
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Blanket Story, coda
Remember that adorable story about how sweet my kid is and how he covered me with his blanket on Monday morning?
And remember how Steve tried to suggest that it might have been the dog?!
(If not, read them both here.)
(As if!)
Well, let’s return to Monday night, just around The Boy’s Bedtime, EDT.
“Dad, I can’t find my second blanket…”
(Did I mention he sleeps with 4 blankets? Even in the summer? I blame The Wife’s thin blood and the fact that he was manufactured and born in Florida.)
“Which one is the second one? The Steelers’ one?”
“Yeah…”
“It’s still on my bed from this morning…”
“…This morning?”
“Remember when mom took you to school so I could sleep in? Didn’t you put that blanket on me?”
“No… I think it must have been the dog.”
“Dammit, Steve!”
“What?”
“Take your blanket and go to bed.”
~ Several Hours Earlier… ~
Me: “Did you see that picture I posted? How sweet is that? He covered me with his blanket!”
The Wife: “I think that was the dog.”
Me: “Oh shut up, it was not.”
~ Sigh… ~
It’s tough being the only romantic in a world full of Muggles…
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The Wife just got back from taking The Boy to the doctor’s office (again).
He has a sinus infection.
And an ear infection.
And, apparently, a high threshold for pain, because he hasn’t complained about either of those things.
The only reason he went back to the doctor today was because that cough was annoying me by not going away.
(It’s not too early to send in those Father Of The Year Award nominations.)
The Wife told me that one of the medications he’s on “might” turn his poop red.
I told The Wife that she was on bathroom duty for the next week. Which, I think you’ll agree, it just what anyone wants to hear when they’re getting ready to start Spring Break…
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Three Qs
- The Wife (re Words With Friends): "I have three 'Q's! What am I supposed to do with three 'Q's?"
- Me: "Three 'Q's? You can't have three 'Q's"
- Her (yelling): "I HAVE THREE 'Q's!!!"
- Me: "Let me see…"
- Her: (shows me her iPhone)
- Me: "You have three 'U's…"
- Her: "What did *I* say?"
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No Winners, Only Losers
- The Wife: (singing) "I'm in the ho-tel after-noon"
- Me: "What?"
- The Wife: "I'm singing"
- Me: "What are you singing?"
- The Wife: "Hungry Like the Wolf"
- Me: "Those aren't the words"
- The Wife: "Yes they are"
- Me: "'I'm in the hotel afternoon'? What does that even mean?"
- The Wife: "It means he'll be at his hotel later in the afternoon."
- Me: "That's not the line! It's 'I'm on the hunt, I'm after you'"
- The Wife: "It is?"
- Me: "YES!!"
- The Wife: "Oh. Yeah I guess that makes more sense"
- Me: *sigh*
- The Wife: (resumes singing) "Moth is a line, juice is like wine"
- Me: "Mouth is alive with juices like wine!"
- The Wife: "Whatever"
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"You Know What I Think" is Not a Question You Ever Want to Ask in Our House
- Her: …You know what I think?
- Me: Going back to school was a huge mistake and I never should have done it?
- Her: No—
- Me: Going back to school while working full time was an amazingly stupid idea?
- Her: No!
- Me: Going back to school while working full-time with a 6 year old in the house was the dumbest thing I've ever done, and I've done a lot of them?
- Her: I am going to punch you SO HARD…
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Failure to Communicate
- Me: When you get home, you'll find that the TV isn't working. It's not a problem. That's why I'm going to Radio Shack.
- Her: So I can watch something on it?
- Me: Well, it isn't displaying a picture, but within those parameters, yes, I suppose you could watch something on it just fine.
- Her: ::rolls eyes::
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She's the Aggressive to my Passive
- Scene: Leaving the Melting Pot and finding a group of 10-12 white fifty-something men & women, blocking the exit, standing around talking, and completely oblivious to anyone else.
- Me: (loudly) Hey, I've got a great idea. Why don't we stand around and talk right in the middle of the room, so everyone has to go around us?!
- Her: (as loudly) That sounds like a great idea to me!
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Ask Questions
- Her: (on phone to me) Hey, what kind of computer do I have?
- Me: A PowerBook. Why?
- Her: I'm at Radio Shack to get a new tip.
- Me: A new tip?
- Her: For the power thingy.
- Me: The iGo power adapter?
- Her: Yeah that. You told me I needed a new one.
- Me: Oh, I can get it online.
- Her: Well I need it today.
- Me: Why?
- Her: Yeah, well, there was smoke coming out of the other one today.
- Me: [redacted]
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We're not those people... are we?
- Me: Iron Man is showing at 12:30
- Her: Cool, we could make that.
- Me: Or 12, but I don't think we'd make that... first show is at 11:30, which we definitely wouldn't make
- Her: We could if we took The Boy out of preschool early.
- Both: (pause)
- Me: Nah, let's just go to the 12:30
- Her: OK
- Me: But I like your thinking.
